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Once again, I write as if I am the only person in the world who will ever read this. Perhaps I am. Perhaps that affords some freedoms. Here I am, sitting in my little office, work of the day completed, just enjoying the sounds of a beautiful day. Why am I not out there? Well, I will be soon.

This place has been a refuge, away from home and away from the bustle of a "real" office, one with actual people. I haven't really decided yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But for now, it soothes me. Home is tiny--and chaotic. My mind gets pulled in too many directions for peace. Even the garden screams at me--help! There is too much to do, and I get overwhelmed.

Here in the tiny office apartment, I can have order, and my mind can rest. The work is more defined here. Oh, it gets to be too much sometimes as well--and this was supposed to be the easy job, the one I took instead of simply retiring. That will come, and then how will I fill the time?

So much of my identity is tied to work, career, helping people by what I do. Will I wither away when it's over? I don't have to think about it yet. I have commitments now. People still depend on me. Like always.

Survival

We all struggle to survive at a basic level. But there is so much more than that to actually living. I want to find more meaning somewhere. At a crossroads once again, I am not sure which path to take. All my life, I have been questioning, but this is different. Since I am at that certain age where retirement is possible, but I am putting it off due to the financial hit, the question becomes even more fraught, but it is also even more important. What do you do with the rest of your life, when all of a sudden, the end of it could be in sight?

Waiting...

Waiting is the hardest part, that's what they say. I disagree. I think the actual event or news can be worse. But it's hard to see that now. My chest feels heavy with sadness--even if it is potential sadness. Still, we have to wait in agony. Every now and then, my friend will allude to what may be impending doom. He is starting to plan for his death--or potentially major incapacitation, I don't want to bring anything up because I can tell he is scared. Times like these, I wish I was religious.

It's weird, This seems like my own little journal since no one knows it's here. I think I like it that way since it opens me up to honesty. I don't know why anyone would want to read this anyway. Ramblings about how sad I am can't be very interesting.

Living life without a net

I deleted this original post because it concerned someone other than myself. I don't want anything in this blog to reflect on anyone but me. Therefore, to begin again...

I want to offer support for all the people who have benefited and actually been saved by access to healthcare. As the title says, many folks, especially artists, musicians, writers, and photographers have lived for years on their own, without health insurance, "like a trapeze artist without a net," as a friend often says. This has caused many problems to go unaddressed and when this happens, the results have sometimes been catastrophic. Some of these folks are in my own family or are close friends. I am thankful for those who now have access and can go forward with their lives with more confidence since they can go see a doctor when they need it. I wish them well.

Inspiration

I have a friend who writes a "real" blog, in the sense that it is really good and a lot more interesting than my ramblings, I am sure. We were talking about such things, and it occurred to me that I may actually have something to say. After all, I am not sure how many 60+ single ladies are out there who are wondering what it is like to go online, date and change their lives, as this has done for me. But if they are, maybe I could provide some useful information. I sure do wish I had a resource at the beginning. Hopefully, I wouldn't have made all the mistakes I made if I had had a clue...but the journey has been positive on the whole. I have new friends--both male and female, which has been an added bonus and perhaps the true benefit of it all.

The only problem is how to write about real people. That is tricky. My situation is such that the characters in my life would be obvious to actually journal reality online. I will have to figure that part out. So, we will all have to stay tuned--myself and the lost wanderers who stumble on these words.

My Written Voice

It occurs to me that I am actually a verbal person, so this is not my natural state. But it is a way to archive these thoughts. Usually, I speak my thoughts, revise and redo, until I get it straight, the way my mind sees it, if that makes sense.

I am in a period of reevaluation. Where to go from here? Any clues would be helpful. Dating sites are becoming a hassle, but as a naturally shy person, I am not a big joiner. Therefore, I need help with that, which has been good. But the down side is the maintenance. Jeez, I had no idea how difficult it was to maintain all those emails, not to mention the views, the winks, the flirts, on and on...

In some way, it would be nice to have comments on these thoughts, but not sure this is interesting enough for anyone but me to read. So onward I plug along.

The essential question--is time really running out--or do I just feel that way? Am I wasting my life by frittering it away? I am impatient to get to the real thing, but can that happen in the last half of life??

Where's the magic?

As I juggle the mail between 4 different dating sites, I realize that I don't even know what I would do if I tried to date all these guys. I am wondering, what is the point? Slap my head, of course! Now, I remember--you have to you have to climb a lot of mountains, no--wade through a lot of lily pads, closer--kiss a lot of frogs, that's it! Only I don't want to really kiss any frogs. I just want to email a few times, have coffee, and move on, unless something really special happens.

That's where the magic comes in. The thing is, will you realize it at the time, or only after the fact? Will I miss it when it happens? The last time magic hit me, it knocked me over, flat out (and my glass of wine, too, I might add). And when I picked myself up, I realized that this was someone whom I knew practically nothing about. This, from a woman who last married a childhood friend. The comfort factor wasn't even in the room. And that was the initial intrique. But the playfulness and sense of humor were there, sitting right next to me. By the time I saw his eyes twinkle in the darkness of the bar, I had to see where this would lead.

Turns out, it got even better. But then complications set in. When you find magic, but you don't really know someone, how long does it take before it is a "relationship?" Especially, if you are not sure of what the other person really wants. And what happens to all those other dating partners?

I now had a situation where I was really lost. I wasn't sure if I should stop dating everyone else when the magic guy wasn't. What happens when I am faced with that? Which of course, I probably was. It wasn't going to be Romeo and Juliet for me the way it was with my Randy (I am 4 years a widow). It was more like Juliet wishing Romeo would show up Saturday night. I know, ridiculous on my part, but it was my magic fairytale, right?

So, now I am, on one hand, pursuing the fairytale, and on the other, exchanging emails and dinner with some nice guys (and a few frogs). The frogs I don't mind saying no thanks to, but with the nice guys, things are harder. I really hate to disappoint people, and dating more than one person requires disappointment on someone's part eventually. So, that is where it is now. Do I risk heart breakage with only one, or do I continue to seek out magic where I can find it among the many?