My Written Voice

It occurs to me that I am actually a verbal person, so this is not my natural state. But it is a way to archive these thoughts. Usually, I speak my thoughts, revise and redo, until I get it straight, the way my mind sees it, if that makes sense.

I am in a period of reevaluation. Where to go from here? Any clues would be helpful. Dating sites are becoming a hassle, but as a naturally shy person, I am not a big joiner. Therefore, I need help with that, which has been good. But the down side is the maintenance. Jeez, I had no idea how difficult it was to maintain all those emails, not to mention the views, the winks, the flirts, on and on...

In some way, it would be nice to have comments on these thoughts, but not sure this is interesting enough for anyone but me to read. So onward I plug along.

The essential question--is time really running out--or do I just feel that way? Am I wasting my life by frittering it away? I am impatient to get to the real thing, but can that happen in the last half of life??

Where's the magic?

As I juggle the mail between 4 different dating sites, I realize that I don't even know what I would do if I tried to date all these guys. I am wondering, what is the point? Slap my head, of course! Now, I remember--you have to you have to climb a lot of mountains, no--wade through a lot of lily pads, closer--kiss a lot of frogs, that's it! Only I don't want to really kiss any frogs. I just want to email a few times, have coffee, and move on, unless something really special happens.

That's where the magic comes in. The thing is, will you realize it at the time, or only after the fact? Will I miss it when it happens? The last time magic hit me, it knocked me over, flat out (and my glass of wine, too, I might add). And when I picked myself up, I realized that this was someone whom I knew practically nothing about. This, from a woman who last married a childhood friend. The comfort factor wasn't even in the room. And that was the initial intrique. But the playfulness and sense of humor were there, sitting right next to me. By the time I saw his eyes twinkle in the darkness of the bar, I had to see where this would lead.

Turns out, it got even better. But then complications set in. When you find magic, but you don't really know someone, how long does it take before it is a "relationship?" Especially, if you are not sure of what the other person really wants. And what happens to all those other dating partners?

I now had a situation where I was really lost. I wasn't sure if I should stop dating everyone else when the magic guy wasn't. What happens when I am faced with that? Which of course, I probably was. It wasn't going to be Romeo and Juliet for me the way it was with my Randy (I am 4 years a widow). It was more like Juliet wishing Romeo would show up Saturday night. I know, ridiculous on my part, but it was my magic fairytale, right?

So, now I am, on one hand, pursuing the fairytale, and on the other, exchanging emails and dinner with some nice guys (and a few frogs). The frogs I don't mind saying no thanks to, but with the nice guys, things are harder. I really hate to disappoint people, and dating more than one person requires disappointment on someone's part eventually. So, that is where it is now. Do I risk heart breakage with only one, or do I continue to seek out magic where I can find it among the many?

A Match Made in Heaven?

After spending four years on a hiatus from almost all contacts, I decided that getting involved again was a good idea. What I didn't realize was how different it was for someone my age. My work afforded few opportunities to meet people and I was not a joiner of a lot of groups. Therefore, at the suggestion of friends, I joined several social networking sites, such as Facebook and Myspace. These helped me understand the vernacular and how to speak in a whole new language. Graduating from these, I discovered eHarmony, Match.com, etc. On these sites, which were more focused on dating than friendship, I found that the range of men that women were looking for was near their own age. On the other hand, men's ranges were much wider, mostly on the younger age range. This was disconcerting. Was I competing with 30-somethings?

To some degree, yes. But also, I found that what I wrote made a big difference. The less serious my profile became, the more noticed it was. Now, I am communicating with a number of men, but I have really only found two out of about 30 with whom I have emailed, talked with or gone out with, with whom I really felt a connection. I don't know how this fits with the norm, but it was not a surprise to me.

What did surprise me, was what attracted me to them. The twinkle in an eye, genuine laughter, a playful approach to life, not taking themselves seriously, intelligent discussions about things they valued--all these were the factors that I was looking for. In fact, it has gotten where I can tell very quickly if there will be that chemistry. We will see where it takes me. For now, I am still uncertain about where to go from here. Maybe that is a good thing after all.

Branching Out

Is there something addictive about online networking sites? It is a brave new world out there with Facebook and the dating sites for me. I have gone from being okay alone to missing being with people. I find myself going online to see what is happening with everyone else on FaceBook. How weird that feels when only a few weeks ago, I didn't really get it.
Or is it really just a way to pretend to be connected? It is really removed from perosn to person interaction. We email, IM, text, etc. when before, we would have just picked up the phone and called each other--what's going on with that?
Questions lead to more questions. The main good thing is that I am now in contact with people that I have not spoken with in many, many moons. Here's to staying connected.

Virgin of the Blog

Here goes--I can't believe I have to hide this from my loving family, but I don't think (no, I KNOW) they won't understand my obsessions. I keep thinking, how did this happen? It caught me way off guard, and I am not sure how to handle it, but I have been out here seeking kindred spirits on the web. Am I the only one? Finding lots of similar wayward minds on the blogs I follow. If I gorge myself on RP, will this need abate? Such foolishness! When you've been "17" for as long as I have, shame, shame.

There you have it. My Twilight confession about me obsessing over RPattinson. Now we all know why it's in the vault. Where it will stay.

Vault with a View - My Meadow

I never said it was a dark vault. Hard to escape the sun in Texas.